to contemplate... perchance to dream

What's the difference between complacency and sin? I don't there actually is any. There pretty much one and the same, right? It's not that one necessarily leads to another, but rather they are partners - they go everywhere hand-in-hand. Sin resides within us, and our actions betray the state in which we find ourselves.

my spirit seeks Thee early in the nightwatches, O Lord, for Thy commandments are light upon the earth.

I'm finding its not enough anymore to just participate in the act of "pondering" upon God as Father-creator, God as Son-Saviour, and God as Life-giving Spirit. Thinking, which is something I usually never endorse, usually leads me into a deeper and thicker briar patch and completely halts whatever resolve I may have within me.

O Lord, open Thou my lips and my mouth shall declare thy praise.

The utterances that used to spring forth so naturally are hard fought for now. The more the effort, the denser the fog. And yet the answers are always before me and available to me: prayer and humility. True and genuine heartfelt prayer. And as I'm writing this, all I can think about is that Carrie Bradshaw character from Sex and the City, and her "great monologue" on the series finale:
"Well maybe it's time to be clear about who I am.
I am someone who is looking for love. Real love.
Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming,
can't love without each other love."
Okay, I realize I just made a poem out of it but there you have it. In the end of it all, it's really about how you direct that thirst. When Carrie was saying these words, all I could think about was my love for God, and how I really wasn't giving my relationship its due. So how is that attention to be given. Again, the only answers for me are prayer and humility. True prayer and real humility. I guess what's bugging me is that I am surrounded by the constant repetition of "being a good person and just loving God is enough. He doesn't want more than that from you." Funny then, why is it that I want more?

"Well maybe it's time for me to be clear about who I am.
I am someone who is looking for Love. The real Love.
Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming,
Can't live without each other Love."

Photo credit to Ted Larson.

breathing...

it's not as simple as one thinks. I know quite a few people who have a hard time just catching their breath, regardless of whether they've been running a particular race towards or away from some thing. Breathing is not such an easy thing to do, especially properly.

i beg you... to have patience with everything
unresolved in your heart and to try to love the
questions themselves as if the were locked
rooms or books written in a very foreign
language. Don't search for the answers which
could not be given now, because you would not
be able to live them. And the point is to live
everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps
then, someday far in the future, you will
gradually, without even noticing it, live your
way into the answer. -- Rainer Maria Rilke

And maybe that's the crux of it: the questions are the answers.

The questions are the markers (some call them road blocks) by which God speaks to you. Obviously some thing is amiss otherwise the questions wouldn't even arise. But then the quandary of "even the devil can appear as an angel." Yeah... again it's not so easy but that devil in disguise would not have appeared without it being for a revelation of God's purpose within you.
So what's the answer? Three - as in three more things: discernment, patience and humility.
Yet again the notion of "Three": with yourself, the questions and especially with God.
These are things that are just about as easy as breathing. But I liken it to this: every spring, there's something in the air where you can just feel that the winter frost has broken. There's a quality that you can even smell and when I happen upon that day, you can't imagine how deep by breathe goes.

Photo credit to XOXO Candles.

that time of year

It's been very cold these past couple of weeks, the -17 C weather with -32 C windchills kind of cold, but without overcast and gloominess - just pure and continuous sunshine each and every day. This got me thinking about things that cast off great light but leave you feeling utterly cold, and also on how warmth is captured.

Every other Saturday, our young adults group gathers for Vespers, a spiritual discussion and then a fellowship activity. I can usually remember pretty well the things we do and the interaction we have during the latter portion, but I always regret the seeming quickness at which the former two are achieved. That is why for me the approach of Lent and the Lenten Season itself is so wonderful! I've heard many people comment on how long the season is, how hard it is to get to Church that many times a week, and so on. But I liken the forthcoming season to the kind of winter weather that I do like: overcast skies with a snowfall made up of those large white fluffy flakes and the sky (in the form of clouds) seems only an arm's stretch above your head.

Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop
And I shall be made clean.
Thou shalt wash me
And I shall be made whiter than snow.

It seems as though the world slows down a little on days such as this - at least that's my estimation - even with all the hullaballoo of traffic and people rushing to catch their buses; maybe I'm just the one doing the "slowing down." There's a quality to the air - which does in fact warm up in such weather conditions as I am describing - a foreshadowing of the warmth of the Spring that is to come. And not coincidently, when Christ greets us at His resurrection.

another moral to the story

Whenever we are told of the Presentation of Christ to the Temple, the emphasis (and rightly so) is the revelation of the Incarnate God, the Lord Jesus Christ, being revealed to His people and of His interacting with them, specifically to the elder Symeon and the Prophetess Anna. The revelations uttered by Symeon through the Holy Spirit are wondrous indeed, and for me, speak as to how one's heart can be opened by the Grace of God without our even anticipating such a thing as being possible or that it can even occur. But I'm always left wondering why our spiritual fathers never touch upon the people through whom these revelations come.

Many parishes are so focused on the "place" of teens and young adults in given events, activities or projects, even in liturgical practices, and so much room and attention is given to Sunday Schools, tools for the teachers, the allocation of proper teaching spaces, etc... But what of the grandmothers and grandfathers? You see for me, Symeon and Anna are the embodiment of the elderly in our communities. And when I look at the icon of the Presentation, I not only see the Christ as offering but also the tenacity of faith shared and hoped upon by Symeon and Anna.

So many of us thirst for the fruits of the Spirit, and try to quench it by a variety of sources. Most of the time, at least among my peers, we hash out this longing through conversations had mostly with each other, or we attend retreats with special guest speakers, read the hagiographies of the saints, etc... all to quench that thirst. It would be nice to sit at the feet of one of our grandparents, and by that I mean one a parish grandparent, so that we can also learn how their faith has been lived and expressed. Consider all the things they have to confronted in their lifetime - my generation usually earmarks change by the appearance of new "technologies."


22When the time of their purification according to the Law of Moses had been completed, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord 23(as it is written in the Law of the Lord, "Every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord"^[a]), 24and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: "a pair of doves or two young pigeons."^[b]

25Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was upon him. 26It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord's Christ. 27Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, 28Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:
29"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
you now dismiss^[c] your servant in peace.
30For my eyes have seen your salvation,
31which you have prepared in the sight of all people,
32a light for revelation to the Gentiles
and for glory to your people Israel."

33The child's father and mother marveled at what was said about him. 34Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

at first sight

I rarely ride the bus down to campus, but this was an extraordinary day as I was going down to write a final. My head bubbling over with art history data, I dug out my Winter 2006 copy of The Handmaiden from my backpack (art history books are HEAVY!) and only a few words in, this man approached me by saying, "You're reading something about God. I can tell. That's really good because we all need God. And that's Mary. She was a good woman."

Initial reaction: Mildly annoyed.

And it showed.

But my annoyance, which I was hoping (!) was not showing on my face and only bubbling around my head, was compounded by "Do you read The Watchtower?" Added to this was what I thought to be his ridiculous costume of full Canadian military fatigues: green wool beret, camouflage pants, belted jacket, army boots, army issue backpack, etc... Still hoping that I was not betraying my thoughts, I gave him very curt answers so that he would get my not too subtle hint: "I don't want to talk to you. Go away. I don't talk to people like you. Go away." Other people on the bus were seeing the same things I was. Come on, how could they not? The sideway glances we were giving each other confirmed everything we were thinking, and not a single person was blaming me for the way I had treated him.

Hmmm... People like him.

Hmmm... People like me.

W O W.

And as soon as he moved on, by stepping off the bus to offer his arm to an elderly lady who had just been discharged from the hospital (she still had her hospital bracelet on) and was making her way home, my shame overwhelmed me. A good Orthodox Christian? Really? A Christian? Really?

Looking back at him, I saw St. George for some reason. I didn't like what I saw when I looked at the other people on the bus - I didn't like my own reflection.

O Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace, help me in all things to rely upon your holy will. In every hour of the day reveal your will to me. Bless my dealings with all who surround me. Teach me to treat all that comes to throughout the day with peace of soul and with firm conviction that your will governs all. In all my deeds and words, guide my thoughts and feelings. In unforeseen events, let me not forget that all are sent by you. Teach me to act firmly and wisely, without embittering and embarrassing others. Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming day with all that it shall bring. Direct my will, teach me to pray. And you, yourself, pray in me. Amen.

- St. Philaret of Moscow